I'm sitting in bed, hating. Not anyone or anything in particular. I'm simply hating. There are so many situations in my life that I'm not okay with. Unfortunately, I have no control over them. I can wish for change....or even be an active advocate for it--but nothing's changing. There are trials that you can see the end of--usually you can spot the bright light at the end of the tunnel. Not this time, this time it's different. Anger has been added to the long list of unwanted emotions. Last time it was simply sadness that ate at me on a daily basis, this time it's a mixture. I can't decide if I just want to lie on the ground and cry, or plot a hideous murder. Neither of these things would help to me to accomplish anything--fix anything. Do I even want anything fixed? At this point, I really couldn't tell you. He will forever come and go......he's the leaving kind. I'm not sure if I have the emotional strength or the desire to fix it.
Debbie Downer's the name, don't wear it out. Most days I do okay, I forget that I have nowhere to go--that I don't belong anywhere. Sometimes my fake smile even feels real. Those are the best days. Other days, I don't care enough to try. My bed and my itunes library have recently become my new best friend. Just last night I was told "You'd be perfect if you were ALWAYS positive." Really? My bad. Please, if you can do better--Be My Guest. I keep getting told to rely on others....I should let them help me. How though? My ability to trust has recently vanished. Nobody understands. No words get the point across. My story sounds fake. Those that do take the time to listen don't care. They have a home to go to--they don't have to be invited. "That sucks..freaking glad that's not my life." Well, it's mine. Usually I can find the good in it, today I can't. Tomorrow I can only hope. Surreal. Sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming. Sometimes I wish I was.
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